NCAA Tournament - Day #2 (multiple athletes)

NCAA Tournament - Day #2 (Multiple athletes)

Athlete: Kenyon Martin (#6), Forward, Denver Nuggets
Location: Caesars Palace Hotel and Casino, Las Vegas, NV

Date: 3/20/2009

Career Highlights:
14.2 PTS, 7.1 REB, 2.1 AST
1-time All Star, #1 pick in 2000 NBA Draft

Seen here just moments before hurting himself opening the door. Kenyon likes wearing suits and enjoys courtside seats, thus explaining having missed 125 games in the last 4 years due to "injuries." When he's not too busy hurting himself, he's throwing birthday parties that get Denver Broncos cornerbacks shot to death.

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Athlete: Jamarcus Russell (#2), Quarterback, Oakland Raiders
Location: Las Vegas Strip, Las Vegas, NV

Date: 3/20/2009

Career Highlights:
15 Touchdowns, 12 Interceptions, 2,796 passing yards
#1 pick in 2007 NFL Draft

Seen here surveying his next moves on the sidewalk, just like he does on the field. As usual, his offensive line is providing him very little blocking. The only O-lineman I can even see is the one in black to his left. That monster is huge!

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Athlete: Pau Gasol (#16), Center, Los Angeles Lakers
Athlete: Kevin Garnett (#5), Forward, Boston Celtics
Location: Mirage Hotel and Casino, Las Vegas, NV

Date: 3/20/2009

Career Highlights - Pau Gasol:
18.8 Points, 8.8 Rebounds, 3.2 Assists, 1.7 Blocks
2-time All Star

Career Highlights - Kevin Garnett:
20.2 Points, 11.1 Rebounds, 4.3 Assists, 1.6 Blocks
12-time All Star, 2004 NBA MVP, 2007-08 Champion

Seen here sharing each other's stock portfolio information in the poker room. These guys became super BFFs after last season's finals - the type of friendship that will definitely last a lifetime.

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Athlete: Pat Tillman (#42), Arizona Cardinals
Location: Mirage Hotel and Casino

Career Highlights:
3 Interceptions, 2.5 Sacks
Corporal in the US Army

Seen here haunting the kind people of the Mirage poker room. Notice how there are two of him in this picture. Ghosts do that kind of shit just to fuck with you.

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Athlete: Paul Pierce (#34), Boston Celtics
Location: Wynn Hotel and Casino

Career Highlights:
22.9 Points, 6.3 Rebounds, 3.9 Assists
8-time NBA All Star, 2007-08 NBA Champion and Finals MVP

Seen here taking in some of the late first round NCAA tournament action. Sure, he could sit down, but Pierce is the kind of asshole that wants you to notice that he's in the room. He's also the type of asshole who tries to stop a knife with his face.

NCAA Tournament - Day #1 (multiple athletes)

Athlete: John Lackey (#41), Pitcher, Anaheim California Los Angeles Angels of Aneheim
Location: Venetian Hotel and Casino, Las Vegas, NV

Date: 3/19/2009

Career Highlights:
91-63 career record, 3.81 ERA, 1,062 strikeouts
Won game 7 of 2002 World Series

Seen here with a towel around his neck, obviously resting up after an outing on the mound. Could this guy make some news so that I could write something about him? I mean, come on! Nothing bad on record? What gives? Fucking jerk.

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Athlete: LeBron James (#23), Forward, Cleveland Cavaliers
Location: Venetian Hotel and Casino, Las Vegas, NV

Date: 3/19/2009

Career Highlights:
27.5 PPG, 7.0 RPG, 6.7 APG
Won Ohio High School state championship 3 times

Seen here rocking the Akron St. Vincent-St. Mary's jersey. With his Cavaliers in title contention this year, he likes to remind people how he dominated in his youth, when he was a man among children. Also, he's a big fan of $0.25 slot machines. But who isn't? That might change in 2010.

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Athlete: Anderson Varajao (#17), Forward, Cleveland Cavaliers
Location: Venetian Hotel and Casino, Las Vegas, NV

Date: 3/19/2009

Career Highlights:
8.5 PPG, 7.2 RPG
Unofficially leads the NBA in charges taken in 2008-09

Seen here in the old school 1980s Cavaliers uniform. Andy has been known to be a big fan of Hot Rod Williams, and he may also be the illegitimate son of World B Free (source needed). Notice how Andy is trying to remain conspicuous with his trademark big hair tucked underneath. Who are you trying to fool, big guy?

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Athlete: Monta Ellis (#8), Guard, Golden State Warriors
Location: Mirage Hotel and Casino, Las Vegas, NV

Date: 3/19/2009

Career Highlights:
15.8 PPG, 3.5 RPG, 3.7 APG

Seen here awaiting his trust moped outside of the Mirage. I'm not sure how he plans on carrying those bags along with him. But nothing can go wrong on a moped, right ?

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Athlete: Tony Parker (#9), Guard, San Antonio Spurs
Location: In-N-Out Burger, Las Vegas, NV

Date: 3/19/2009

Career Highlights:
16.5 PPG, 3.1 RPG, 5.6 APG
3-time All Star, 3-time NBA champion

Seen here getting a soda to go along with his double-double (the burger, not the stat he likes to hit frequently). Seeing as my diet habits resemble a world class athlete like this, it won't be long before I can score a broad from Hollywood.

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Athlete: Doug Christie (#12), Guard, Sacramento Kings (RETIRED)
Location: Orleans Hotel and Casino, Las Vegas, NV

Date: 3/19/2009

Career Highlights:
11.4 PPG, 4.1 RPG, 3.7 APG

Seen here enjoying some March Madness action with his friends. Not seen here is the short leash that his wife keeps him on. Trust me, it's there.

3/18/2009 (multiple athletes)

Athlete: Hines Ward (#86), Wide Receiver, Pittsburgh Steelers
Location: Fremont Street, Las Vegas, NV

Date: 3/18/2009

Career Highlights:
800 Receptions, 9780 Receiving Yards, 72 Touchdowns
4-time Pro Bowl selection
2-time Super Bowl champion

Seen here browsing for cigars, probably to light in celebration of his 2nd Super Bowl win this decade. Or maybe he's dating Monica Lewinsky. This is my second encounter with Mr. Ward. His dominating physical presence has made me shy away from seeking an autograph.

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Athlete: Donovan McNabb (#5), Quarterback, Philadelphia Eagles
Location: Fremont Street, Las Vegas, NV



Date: 3/18/2009

Career Highlights:
29,320 passing yards, 190 touchdowns, 90 interceptions
5-time Pro Bowl selection
Lost 4 NFC Championship games

Seen here walking with his mom discussing his next Chunky Soup ad campaign. This time would be better spent preparing for the next NFL season so that he's ready to actually show up during another championship game, but Donny Mac is way too important for that.

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Athlete: Darren McFadden (#20), Running Back, Oakland Raiders
Location: Fremont Street, Las Vegas, NV

Date: 3/18/2009

Career Highlights:

499 rushing yards, 4 touchdowns
2008 1st round draft pick (#4 overall)
2nd most rushing touchdowns in SEC history

Seen here surrounded by his Raiders offensive line (hard to see as they have all fallen over). It was rumored that he was on Fremont Street to catch the amazing light show featuring the music of Queen. Darren loves him some Freddie Mercury.

St. Patrick's Day 2009 (2 famous athletes)

Athlete: Curtis Martin (#28), Running Back, New York Jets (RETIRED)
Location: Las Vegas Strip, Las Vegas, NV

Date: 3/17/2009

Career Highlights:
14,101 rushing yards, 100 touchdowns
5 time Pro Bowl selection, 2004 rushing champion

Seen here enjoying the St. Patrick's day while accompanied by a likely tranny. Curtis has lost a lot of size since his playing days, and his skin tone has faded tremendously due to not taking part in summer training camps.

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Athlete: Lance Briggs (#55), Linebacker, Chicago Bears
Location: O'Shea's Casino, Las Vegas, NV

Date: 3/17/2009

Career Highlights:
653 total tackles, 6 sacks, 9 interceptions, 3 touchdowns
4 time Pro Bowl selection

Seen here dropping some serious coin into a penny slot machine. Lance knows how to keep it real and relate to his fans despite his $36 million contract. Later, Lance was seen leaving the slot machine before collecting his winnings - first, claiming the machine was stolen, and then confessing to playing it.

NFL Player Joshua Cribbs

Athlete: Joshua Cribbs (#16), Wide Receiver, Cleveland Browns
Location: Orleans Hotel, Las Vegas, NV

Date: 3/10/2009


Career Highlights:
6196 total return yards, 10 touchdowns
2007-08 Pro Bowl selection



Seen here eyeing the TV screen, just like he's about to look in a punt that he plans to return for a touchdown. I was a little unsure if this was actually Mr. Cribbs, so I looked his player profile up on NFL.com. Below is the picture from that profile:



Yeah, that's definitely him. Sweet!

Super Bowl MVP Santonio Holmes

Athlete: Santonio Holmes (#10), Wide Receiver, Pittsburgh Steelers
Location: Orleans Hotel, Las Vegas, NV

Date: 3/08/2009


Career Highlights:
156 receptions, 2587 receiving yards, 16 touchdowns
Super Bowl XXIII Most Valuable Player



Seen here creating separation from the crowd (just like he does on the field). You might remember Santonio from this. Unfortunately, you might also remember him from this. I'm not sure whether or not he has both feet down in the photo I snapped. Let's take a closer look.


Clearly, both feet are down. Suck it, Cardinals fans.

NFL Pro-Bowler Ed Reed

Athlete: Ed Reed (#20), Tight End, Kansas City Chiefs
Location: Orleans Hotel, Las Vegas, NV

Date: 3/07/2009

Career Highlights:
43 Interceptions, 6 touchdowns
5-time Pro Bowl selection
2004 NFL Defensive Player of the Year
2-time All American at the University of Miami.


Seen here waiting to get in on the no-holds-barred poker action at the world famous Orleans Hotel. Ed didn't wait too long - he was able to read the eyes of a player at table 6 and intercept a seat before anyone could notice. Later on, Ed delivered a late hit on Susan (an elderly dealer). That's what they teach those criminals at the "U."

10-year NFL star Tyrone Wheatley

Athlete: Tyrone Wheatley (#47), Running Back, Oakland Raiders (RETIRED)
Location: M Resort, Las Vegas, NV

Date: 3/07/2009

Career Highlights:
4962 Rushing Yards, 47 touchdowns
All-time leader for yards per carry in a season for the University of Michigan

Seen here eluding the paparazzi (thus the blurry image). Unfortunately, Tyrone may have confused the big M on the side of the recently opened Las Vegas resort with his former alma mater. Michigan athletes are all retarded.

NFL All-Pro Tony Gonzalez

Athlete: Tony Gonzalez (#88), Tight End, Kansas City Chiefs
Location: Hofbrauhaus, Las Vegas, NV

Date: 2/28/2009

Career Highlights:
916 Receptions, 10940 Receiving Yards, 76 touchdowns
10-time Pro Bowl selection
Most receiving yards in NFL history for a tight end

Seen here enjoying dinner at Hofbrauhaus. With his obvious German descent, this meal had to cap off a great evening for the future Hall of Famer.

Super Bowl Champ Hines Ward

Athlete: Hines Ward (#86), Wide Receiver, Pittsburgh Steelers
Location: Orleans Hotel, Las Vegas, NV

Date: 2/28/2009

Career Highlights:
800 Receptions, 9780 Receiving Yards, 72 Touchdowns
4-time Pro Bowl selection
2-time Super Bowl champion

Seen here leaving the Orleans poker room with a lovely young lady (presumable his girlfriend or wife). He didn't cash in any chips, meaning he was so kind that he gave away all the money that he bought in with. Also, he reportedly blind-sided a patron in the parking garage. A true class act.